


Roots Before Branches

by AceHufflepuff



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Depression, Gen, M/M, Okaeri | yoihomezine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 10:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18714907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceHufflepuff/pseuds/AceHufflepuff
Summary: The moment the train pulled free of the forests and cliff sides to the view of the ocean, Yuuri felt himself begin to unwind. His anxiety still bubbled beneath the surface, but it quieted at the sight of home.~~~Though the air was warm with the burgeoning late-coming spring, the sky remained overcast; for Victor, whose life had been filled with bright lights and camera flashes for twenty years, it was a comfort, as if a soft blanket protected Hasetsu from the outside world.~~~When Yuuri returned home to recover from his failures and Victor left St Petersburg in desperate need of change, they both found solace in Hasetsu. A character study of what home means for mental health.





	Roots Before Branches

The moment the train pulled free of the forests and cliff sides to the view of the ocean, Yuuri felt himself begin to unwind. Even after five years of travelling, nothing could match the sentimental beauty of Hasetsu and its surroundings. His anxiety still bubbled beneath the surface, of course - it had shadowed his every footstep for as long as he could remember, was almost nondescript in its familiarity by now - but it quieted at the sight of home.

Ever since his breakdown - who is he kidding, series of multiple breakdowns - starting at the Grand Prix final, all Yuuri had wanted to do was hide. He had dragged himself forwards because he had expectations he had to fill: he had to skate at nationals, he had to graduate, he had to sit down and actually talk to Celestino about his future. But now, even despite the posters and Minako greeting him as if he wasn't returning with his tail tucked between his legs, watching the quiet, narrow streets pass through the window of Minako's car satisfied the part of him that needed to rest and lick his wounds. It was as if the chaos of the world parted around Hasetsu, as if time itself moved at its own pace here, separate from the rest of the world.

The moment he settled back into his childhood bedroom, Yuuri crashed. Pure momentum had carried him through the aftermath of the Grand Prix final, Nationals, and his exams; it wasn't until he stopped moving that it all caught up to him and he realised how bone-deep exhausted he was. In the midst of the long, sustained effort required to keep his head above water, the constant hum of anxiety had become background noise in his brain, so pervasive that he'd forgotten what it felt like to properly live. He holed himself up within Yutopia for the next few days, enjoying the onsen every morning and evening. Yuuri could let go here - he had no major responsibilities, no training, or social network, or studying to keep up with. Even if the rest of his life was still a mess, he at least made the right decision in coming home.

~~~

Though the air was warm with the burgeoning late-coming spring, the sky remained overcast; for Victor, whose life had been filled with bright lights and camera flashes for twenty years, it was a comfort, as if a soft blanket protected Hasetsu from the outside world.

Victor took in the sights as he rode through Hasetsu on one of the bicycles set aside for tourists, Makkachin happily bounding alongside him, stopping occasionally both to check his route on his phone and to simply watch the town breathe around him. Victor had been to many beautiful places around the world; objectively, Hasetsu wasn't particularly impressive in comparison. However, he could enjoy living here while coaching Yuuri, he decided, despite - or perhaps because of - the stark difference in lifestyle it would cause.

His competitive life had turned stale; he was running out of ways to reinvent himself and the will to pull it off. His only challenge was maintaining his position at the top, but no matter how people gossiped, it often felt like he couldn't lose if he tried. Now, he was excited at the prospect of having responsibility for someone other than himself, to be needed for something more than showing off gold medals.

Hasetsu was soothing, a breath of fresh air, a safe harbour away from the gilded but empty life he’d chosen to leave behind. The streets were quiet, and more residential than anywhere Victor could remember visiting. The town had little expectations of tourism, it's main attractions being pottery, the castle, the ancient pine forest, and - Victor felt the warm, bubbly glow of excitement - as a side note to figure skating fans, the ice rink where Japan's Ace, Katsuki Yuuri learned to skate.

And then there was Yuuri's family's onsen, which Victor had looked up the moment he'd booked his flight. Hasetsu used to be somewhat of an onsen town, he'd learned, but most travel websites these days mentioned Hasetsu only to recommended other Kyushu onsen towns like Beppu or Yufuin. Those comments had only endeared Hasetsu to him even more. Being pushed aside in favour of the newer, shiny attraction was what Victor had been fighting against ever since rumours of his retirement began circling, after all. It seemed fitting that Hasetsu would be the place he'd chase Yuuri to when even Victor himself had become bored of his career.

~~~

Yuuri expected the sting of failure to constantly prickle under his skin at having to face the town he left behind, even more so now that he had committed to trying again for one last season. As Yuuri discovered when he emerged from his self-inflicted exile, the people of Hasetsu’s support of him was based on something that wouldn’t change: the fact that this was his hometown. A large portion of the town may not know much about skating, but if anything that made it even more difficult for Yuuri to disappoint them.

"It doesn't really feel completely genuine," Yuuri muttered to Minako - perhaps the only other person from Hasetsu who'd made it to the international stage - as they cooled down from an evening of soothingly familiar ballet moves. "They don't fully understand how badly I failed, and what it means to have Victor coach me. I haven't earned him, and I haven't earned their support."

"But that's exactly the point, Yuuri," Minako replied, her sharp eyes trained on Yuuri even as he avoided her gaze. "You don't always have to earn something to deserve it. Victor must have seen your mistakes yet he still chose you, and whether you win or lose is irrelevant to Hasetsu. Your family and friends here love you unconditionally, and everyone else here supports you because they know you - if distantly - and are happy that you're doing what you love. You'll be happier if you stop doubting your support, Yuuri."

"That's easier said than done," Yuuri grumbled.

"I know it is," Minako said, as blunt as ever. "But that doesn't mean it isn't worth working towards."

Yuuri gave Minako a long look as he considered her words. "You know, you're pretty wise when you're not drunk, Minako-sensei," he teased.

~~~

Victor hadn’t been sure what to expect of Yuuri. In all honesty, that was part of what intrigued him about Yuuri: he had surprised Victor at every turn. Victor had noticed the echoes of his own skating in Yuuri’s programs, yet he had silently turned away at the offer of a photo with him. Yuuri had a reputation for being polite but intensely private, familiar with only a small number of skaters and friends with even fewer, yet when drunk at the banquet, he had became the centre of the party, seemingly feeding on the chaotic energy and using it to pull everyone in to gravitate around him. Even Yuuri’s skating itself was wildly inconsistent, Victor had discovered when he’d burned through as many of Yuuri’s past programs as he could find in preparation for leaving to coach him.

Yuuri’s seemingly mercurial nature had been exciting before Victor had arrived in Hasetsu, but in reality it was just confusing. Even disregarding their connection at the Grand Prix final banquet, Victor had thought that just about any figure skater would have enthusiastically jumped at the chance to have Victor coach them, yet Yuuri had given no sign that he actually wanted Victor there. He couldn't hold back the tears that night, silent but messy, as his expectations came crashing down upon him. His only solace was that no one would see his puffy eyes and the wet patches on Makkachin's fur.

The next morning, he pulled himself back together as he always did, and the next morning, and the next. Yurio's arrival drew away any attention that Victor's emotional state might have attracted, but Victor still wondered if he was too much for Yuuri. Spending time with the Katsukis and watching them with Yuuri had brought to the forefront just how bereft his life had become of genuine human connection. He found himself desperately, instinctively reaching for Yuuri as much as Yuuri skittered away from him. He'd gotten carried away, building elaborate fantasies of what he hoped would happen once he reunited with Yuuri, he should have been prepared for reality to burst every one of them.

When the insidious voice in his head that he'd been desperately trying to suppress for years broke free of his control one evening, he fled, first to the promise of good ramen, then to a nearby sake bar. _Yuuri had been drunk at the banquet,_ the voice whispered, the sake coating his tongue like silk doing nothing to drown it out, _maybe he didn't mean any of it, maybe he's struggling with performing eros because he regrets that night, maybe I've put him in an awkward position by following through on a promise he never meant to make, maybe he was just like everyone else and only cared about the idea of Victor Nikiforov, not him as a person, maybe he should just stop trying to fill the aching hole of loneliness in his chest if all it led to was rejection…_ He shook himself mentally. His mind would spiral endlessly with worst case scenarios if he let it. It was time to head home- to Yutopia.

As much as he hurt, he'd found a lot of good in Hasetsu, he reminded himself. In between pining, he'd felt himself unwind and turn playful for the first time in- he couldn't remember how long it’d been. Even if Yurio beat Yuuri and Victor returned to Russia, it would have been worth it to learn to relax and take joy in the small things in his life.

He had faith that Yuuri would pull through, though. Victor wanted to stay, to eat katsudon with Yuuri as long as he would allow. The residents of Hasetsu looked at him with curiosity, but ultimately treated him like any other long-term tourist. The Katsukis, who surely must have known who he was, had simply given him a welcome as warm as the waters of the onsen without the starstruck edge Victor had become accustomed to. They seemed genuinely interested in him; even despite two layers of language barriers, Victor felt heard in a way he hadn't for a long time. Right from the start, they treated him as a person, not the Living Legend Victor Nikiforov or even Yuuri's opponent. They had treated him- maybe he was getting ahead of himself again, but it was with that thought that he finally drifted off to sleep, they had almost treated him as if he already belonged in their lives.

~~~

The evening after Yuuri finally opened up to Victor on the beach, he pulled up the contact information Phichit gave him and sent his request to have his free skate music redone. He'd been so caught up in his own mind he hadn't realised that he was approaching his free skate the wrong way. Perhaps what had made the music weak wasn't necessarily him, but the fact that he hadn't been willing to open up. In avoiding being vulnerable, he'd shied away from sharing himself through the music, so the piece had fallen flat, impersonal.

But now, in his hometown with Victor by his side, maybe he'd built a strong enough foundation to tell his story, to let down his walls so allow others could truly see him and hear what he has to say through his program. Maybe opening up more was exactly what he needed for his free skate.

~~~

It was only as he settled into bed the evening after his talk with Yuuri that Victor realised that he had regained stability. It must have happened gradually, as the peaceful atmosphere of Hasetsu and the gentle warmth of Yu-topia slowly sunk into his bones. He had opened up to Yuuri without a second thought when his instincts usually drove him to heavily regulate his thoughts before speaking. He had quickly learned as he rose to the top of his field that even though he was surrounded with people who wanted to talk to him, few truly listened.

Yuuri, however, had changed remarkably since Victor had first arrived. His skittishness had lessened considerably; as he sat next to Victor on the beach, he had listened with such quiet focus that it had felt only natural to carefully, cautiously begin to bring down the walls that Victor had thought that no one would seriously attempt to look past.

~~~

The night that the completed music came through, Yuuri stayed up much later than planned with Victor, talking in hushed voices. He spoke with a level of honesty that was only possible at night, the darkness settling around them as a comforting buffer as the lamps were turned off to allow Makkachin to sleep in peace. He opened up to Victor once again, telling him about the depths of his anxiety, and the love surrounding him that he'd never quite been able to accept.

It was surprisingly easy to trust Victor with the growing intimacy between them, to trust that he would accept Yuuri despite his faults. _You're not weak_ , Victor had said that day by the ocean. He knew rationally that his anxiety wasn't a weakness, but hearing it stated outright had made him realise that some part of him had believed it. And while he still struggled with the concept, maybe his weakness had been his inability to communicate his feelings and accept support, not his anxiety.

~~~

Victor was already itching to start choreographing. Yuuri had sparked colour into his monotone, ice-white life; it was somehow freeing to be creating a program solely for someone else. For years, his creativity had felt like a shallow pool, losing more and more water with each passing season, but with Yuuri's soft words, it was as if a burst dam of inspiration flooded him. He basked in the trust Yuuri was placing in him, and promised himself he would honour it with the best program he could give Yuuri.

"I'll work hard to choreograph your story," Victor murmured into the darkness. "Just tell me one thing: more than anything else, what do you want others to feel when they watch you skate this routine?"

~~~

Yuuri paused, considering the question. It had never occurred to him; in the past, he had simply wanted to get through his programs without failing.

"I want to be able to draw everyone in," Yuuri spoke slowly, hesitantly. "Until they can't bear to look away." _Like you do_ remaining unspoken, hanging in the air between them.

~~~

It had all been worth it, Victor thought as they lapsed into silence, utterly content in the quiet intimacy of the moment. He had come to Hasetsu hoping for a whirlwind romance and a coaching job that would fix all his issues, but every moment of disappointment, of doubt, of loneliness, had been worth enduring to have Yuuri beside him, allowing Victor to truly get to know him and wanting to know all Victor's intricacies in return.

Victor had never thought much on the concept of home; he'd moved out at a young age, first to his grandparents' house close to a new coach and rink, and then alone a few years later to train under Yakov, paid for by parents who loved him and only wanted the best for him but never quite considered that he might need something more than material from them. Yuuri and his family - and Hasetsu as a whole - had given Victor a place to settle, to grow, to finally care for the parts of his life that he'd been neglecting for far too long.

~~~

Yuuri felt a renewed sense of assurance as he slipped out of Victor's room and back into his own. This would be his year, he knew it.

When morning came, he and Victor would both sleep in. Victor would spend the afternoon scribbling away in his notepad, Yuuri's free skate music playing quietly on repeat from his earphones while Yuuri relaxed and played with Makkachin. But for now, he fell asleep feeling a profound sense of relief. It was as if confiding in Victor had lifted weights off his shoulders that he hadn't even realised he was carrying.

Home had always given Yuuri the space he needed to be himself, and now it gave him the security to push forwards and better himself. While it didn't completely alleviate the perpetual nervous energy lurking beneath the surface of his mind, with his foundations solid for the first time in years and Victor by his side, he didn't have to fight alone anymore, and could look towards the future.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
>   
> I was lucky enough to be able to visit Karatsu last year, and it really made me understand why Hasetsu must have been a comforting place for both Yuuri and Victor. That memory stayed with me, and when I signed up for Okaeri zine, I decided that writing about mental health and the concept of home as somewhere to safely recover and rebuild would be the best way to convey how I felt wandering the streets of Karatsu.  
>   
> [Tumblr](https://acesontheice.tumblr.com)  
> [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.social/acehufflepuff)


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